Parenting is an emotional experience, and one that pushes us to be a better person. Over the years your child changes, and so do you! That means that you have to be observant, flexible, creative and open to change so that you can move through all the developmental stages and take care of yourself along the way. I remember times when I couldn’t wait for my child to move past a current stage, only to find out they were now in another stage that brought its own challenges! You can increase your parenting satisfaction by embracing the idea that this is a normal part of growing up, and that your real task is to teach your child to be resilient in the face of challenge.
Resilience can be described as the ability to overcome challenge, to bounce back stronger, wiser and more powerful than you were before. It is important to remember that we build resilience in large and small ways on an ongoing basis. These challenges can include a range of experiences including trauma, tragedy, personal dilemmas, or day-to-day problems. It is also important to remember that what may be challenging for one child might be easy, or even go unnoticed, to another child. That is where we come in! Our job is to pay attention and create opportunities for conversation so that we understand what our child is going through.
More than 40 years of research on resilience tell us that the most important factor for children to develop resilience is to have at least one stable and committed relationship with a supportive parent, caregiver, or other adult. This research is one of the foundations for why Parent Engagement Network supports parents in having the knowledge, skills and strategies they need to show up for their child. When we show up for our child, we are responsive, and provide scaffolding and protection that buffers them from things that could harm them or disrupt their development.
Being responsive can be difficult, especially when our children’s behavior is particularly alarming. However, whether it is a simple issue or an extreme worry, being responsive starts here:
- Pay Attention: Listen to their words and watch their body language. Our kids can’t always differentiate when they are struggling, or when their actions could be risky. Notice if they are acting different, spending time with new friends, or withdrawing from normal activities.
- Think About Why: You will have your own response to your child’s behavior, but it is important to consider why they are acting the way they are. If it is not obvious, it is alright to say something like, “I noticed you are acting a little different. Is there anything I can do to support you?”
- Avoid Overreacting: Our tendency is to respond to what isn’t working, rather that thinking about what our child needs. While it might be tempting to say, “What were you thinking!?! or Why aren’t you turning in your homework!?!” A different question is, what might your child need to successfully complete and turn in homework on time? Are there any skills, strategies, or tools that could help?
- Be Their Brain When They Can’t: Challenges are difficult to deal with when you don’t have the experience or knowledge to understand your choices. This is as true for us as it is for our children. Helping kids understand their choices and the potential impact of them can provide the seeds for good conversations about next steps. You can empower them to make good decisions with your guidance, which will prepare them to make good decisions when you are not with them.
- Point Out Their Strengths: Research shows that the more we complement our children on positive characteristics, good decisions, and supportive actions, the more they integrate these things as part of who they are and how they show up in the world. Simple statements like, “That was so thoughtful to help your friend with math homework”, “You are always so kind to elderly people” or “Your diligence in organizing your notebooks sure makes it easier to help you study.”
The combination of supportive relationships, adaptive skill-building and positive experiences is the foundation for developing resilience. PEN is hosting several events this year that either speak directly to resilience or provide information on specific skill, like our talk on executive functioning, that will help you to provide the love, support, and protection your child needs so that they are able empowered to the many simple and difficult challenges life throws their way. We hope to see you there so that we can fill you cup, and you can share it with your family and community!
Happy parenting,
Dr. Shelly