The Power of Parents in Reducing Stress & Anxiety

Parenting is not about perfection; it is about consistency and patience.

One of your roles as a parent is to love and protect your children, while also giving them the room they need to grow, discover themselves, and learn how to navigate the world. When they are first born, they rely on you completely to protect them from threat, reassure their safety, and help them regulate their emotions. As they get older, increased confidence and knowledge of the world makes them more independent. They may rely on you less, but that does not mean they don’t need you.

The difference between stress and anxiety is that stress is a response to a threat, while anxiety is your reaction to the stress.  As a result, they often come together. A small amount of stress and anxiety is normal and looks different over time. It may be an infant that needs comfort, a grade schooler accepting a sibling, a middle schooler coping with insecurities and drama, a high schooler managing multiple demands on their time, or an adult dealing with financial stress. Regardless of the stage of life, pervasive stress can result in anxiety that limits a person’s ability to function in their day-to-day life.

When this happens, people often seek help so they can manage life with more happiness and ease. Attachment therapy, cognitive behavior therapy, and medication are common but not always accessible.  Here’s the great news! PARENTS can be a POWERFUL influence in the prevention and reduction of stress and anxiety.

A study out of Yale found that parents could reduce their child’s anxiety without addressing their child’s behavior. This in no way means parents cause anxiety, rather they are an important part of the solution. This study involved 124 parents and their 7 to 14-year-old children who had been diagnosed as having anxiety disorders. Half the children received cognitive behavior therapy and half the children’s parents received 12 weekly sessions to learn how to respond to their child’s anxiety. Reductions in stress and anxiety were the same for both groups!

Here are a few ways parents can help their children manage stress and anxiety:

1. 1. Reduce over-reassuring behaviors: It is important to take this slow. Children who are used to constant reassurance can respond with other emotions, such as anger and frustration, when their default way of dealing with anxiety is taken away. For example, in this study, parents whose children texted them 15 times/day where taught to respond with fewer and fewer reassuring texts over a period of time.
   2. Minimize avoidance: When we avoid situations that cause anxiety, we take away the opportunity for our children to learn it is temporary. For example, parents who had children who wouldn’t go to school because of anxiety induced stomach aches were taught to respond with something like, ‘I know you are feeling upset right now, and I know you will be okay.’
   3. Manage your own triggers: We tend to experience stress and anxiety when our children are distressed. This is part of our primitive fight or flight response to threat. Try regulating your own emotions first. Take 10 deep breaths, get grounded in what’s real rather than what you are afraid of, and then offer to work through it with them by something like, ‘I can feel that you are upset. Let’s figure out what we can do together.”
   4. Avoid over-protecting: As children grow up, they become braver and more confident. While we want to protect them from harm, we have to be aware of when we are actually protecting them from the fear of harm. Projecting that fear on them can cause them to be afraid or anxious to change or try new things. Remember that it is on the other side of fear that we learn what we are capable of.
   5. Be consistent and patient: Neural pathways are created from both our experiences and the things we say about ourselves. The more experience, the stronger the pathway, and the more automatic the behavior. The same is true for our language. That is why saying you’re stressed makes you feel more stressed. Repeated use of different behaviors and language will build new pathways in the brain.

Stress and anxiety are inescapable, but we have a lot of control over how they affect us and our children.  It is our role to help them learn what stress and anxiety are and how to manage them effectively. We can begin by teaching them that anxiety is a warning sign, not a stop sign. Model and share how you evaluate situations so that you know whether you are reacting to something real, or something you are afraid of.  In this way, they will see that it is possible to feel both anxious and courageous at the same time.  Be available, point out their strengths, and reiterate your trust in their abilities. Parenting is not about perfection. When you remain a steady resource, you can support them in becoming resilient and resourceful as they are exposed to stress and anxiety throughout their lives.

Happy parenting,

Shelly