Connection-Seeking VS Attention-Seeking

How to shift mindset to see your young kiddos differently. Attention-seeking behavior is often met with frustration, even disgust. If we see it differently — as our child actually feeling disconnected and needing more connection — we view, approach, and handle it quite differently. Have a read!

---

---

So many parents come to me, frustrated and annoyed by their child’s attention-seeking behavior. They describe it as if it’s a problem to be solved, a wrong to be ‘righted’. An inappropriate way for their child to act, feel or demand eyes on them.

But, what if we shifted the lens slightly? What if, instead of blaming our child’s behavior on attention-seeking, we viewed it with a spirit of generosity?

What if we played with the words, even just a little bit? And could stand far enough back to see our kiddo for who they are, acknowledge their experience and also take a look at ourselves?

The reframe would be that they are in fact connection-seeking, versus attention-seeking.

This, you’ll notice, feels different, all around. To both you and your child.

Our children communicate through their behavior. They may or may not have a lot of words, depending on their age, but either way, they certainly don’t have all the words to rationally share with you their experience.

So, they use their bodies and make choices that communicate their needs.

It’s on us to remember this. To ‘read’ their behavior as communication. And to look at it with grace and empathy – even if it is poorly-timed or inconvenient. With this lens, we do not take it personally. We don’t accuse them of manipulating. And we don’t unfairly assume poor intention.

This shift in mindset helps us to be more accepting of our children. To honor them for being the little humans they are, having very real experiences and feelings.

When we see our children this way, and interpret their behavior as connection-seeking, we can, once everyone is regulated, gently inquire about this suspicion and humbly check-in with them about it. Offer our compassion. And then, follow up by looking for opportunities to offer some one-on-one time and/or slow down to carve out more moments of true presence.

When our children show us they need more attention, it means we’ve unknowingly, fallen short. That’s of course all right, as we’re human and parenting is hard. In conscious parenting, we practice really listening to what our children tell us (most often through their behavior) and accepting it as real. They in fact offer the most authentic feedback there is.

In nurturing a parenting mindset that prioritizes connection, and being attuned, we listen between the lines. Our kiddos let us know what they need – if we’re paying attention in this way. This takes really believing in them and in their worthiness, to be heard.

Try gently checking in, naming what you are thinking might be the case (eg. they could use a little more mommy time) and see if that resonates. Even with littles, they’ll tell you if you’ve got it right or not.

Then, slow down and make a little time to meet their bid (for connection) with love, warmth and understanding. Perhaps even plan a little extra time to connect for the next few days, or in the schedule as a regular thing. But, let them know you hear them. Assure them that you value knowing what they’re feeling and will see what you can do to attend to the disconnect they’re feeling. To note, this is not instead of holding boundaries, this is in addition to doing so. And an invaluable addition at that.

A few examples may help illustrate…

*If your child is prolonging bedtime, perhaps they need a little more of you – your voice, your touch, your smell – before settling in alone in the dark for the night.

*If your child is not wanting to go to camp or school, perhaps they are feeling disconnected and need a break to spend more quality family time together.

*If your child is doing the opposite of what you’re saying, or not listening, try to ‘connect, then direct’ – dropping down to their eye level, showing genuine interest in what they are up to, and then giving them direction.

*If your child is ‘acting out’, they just might need to be reminded that they are not alone, that you have compassion for how hard it is to be a kid, and that you are there to help them grow, learn and feel safe.

*If your child knows better but is making choices that don’t reflect this, create some snuggly time, when you’re both regulated, to name what you are noticing and get genuinely curious about what’s going on – be there to listen, better understand them and support (not solve).

And the list goes on.

What it comes down to is perspective. How we see our children determines how seen they feel. The mindset we hold determines the energy of our dynamic. So, let’s ‘look’ at our children and their behavior with compassion and acceptance. And tend to our relationships with them with this type of care.

Almost immediately, a more forgiving and generous perspective nurtures relationship. And no longer do our children need to beg for connection.

And – when they do? Well, we graciously respond by reflecting on how to course-correct, be more present and attend to this natural request.

---