Are you a worrier? To worry is to give way to anxiety or unease; to allow one’s mind to dwell on difficulty or troubles. This can be true for actual or potential issues. I will be the first to admit that I have worried plenty. Sometimes my worries were grounded in real and scary situations. Probably more often than not, they were grounded in things that could happen or I hoped would not happen.
Let’s break this down. In the early years, I worried about my children making good friends, meeting developmental milestones, and learning to regulate their emotions. In middle school, I watched my children expand their social network, try new things, learn about themselves, and make decisions when I wasn’t around to help them. I hoped they would develop a healthy self-esteem and competencies that would serve them in high school. By the time they got to high school, I worried about things like driving safely, developing healthy relationships, and avoiding risky behaviors.
Sound familiar? These are only a few, and yours may look different, but I bet you have them. Why? Because our children are our greatest treasure. We are wired to protect them from danger, and we are hopeful they will have a bright future. The truth is that when you became a parent, you signed up to master the art of managing stress. Watching our children struggle causes stress, and fear and worry are natural reactions to that stress.
So, how do you curb worry and cope with stresses that trigger worry in the first place?
Make the issues smaller: It is very hard to deal with a situation that you have made untouchable. One visualization exercise is to picture the issue and then give it an approachable color like pink or yellow. Another strategy is to put it in a box and then visualize the box getting smaller and smaller. Sounds interesting, but it works!
Remember you are not alone: Just about every parent worries. No matter how smart their kids are, how much money they have, how good their kids are at a given activity, or how bright their future may seem, parents worry. Worries are relative and no parent’s worry is any less significant than another parent’s worry.
Talk to other parents: Opening up to those with similar worries provides opportunities for you to share, brainstorm ideas, and contribute to one another. Your sharing might even give someone else the courage to open up and be vulnerable. I got some great ideas from hearing what other parents tried, what worked, and what didn’t work.
Focus on the facts: Consider if there is any evidence for what you are worried about. If you are worried that your child is depressed, write down anything that backs this belief. For example, being withdrawn, showing no interest in hobbies, or crying frequently. Then, take steps to address what is going on, rather than fretting. If there is no evidence, your worry may be more about you than your child. Spend some time looking to see if there is something going for you that is triggering your worry. Look for the source and collect facts. It will bring clarity and calmness.
Let your children live: We may think we know what is best for our kids. But in reality, we have to trust them enough to let them live. We want them to learn to make decisions, fall, and get back up. Without that ability, the world would eat them alive. What better time and place for them to do that than in your home with your support and guidance.
It is human to feel sad, frustrated, and stressed. Your kids will make mistakes and learn to be responsible for their actions. It helps to remember that you were once in their shoes and that their experiences will be different than yours. Be a safe harbor for your kids to dock their boat. Even if you have to bite your tongue, practice listening and asking questions that help them to problem solve. Steer away from trying to control what is out of your control and focus on the actions you can take that will make a difference for you and your child. Excessive worrying can create negative cycles where you end up spending all of your energy trying to fix situations or avoid your fears. Setting your worries aside and focusing on the facts will help you to manage your own stress and show up more consistently for your children when they need you most.
Happy Parenting,
Dr. Shelly