Part of being human is experiencing a myriad of emotions. Kindness, anger, joy, disgust, surprise, trust, shame, envy, fear, calmness, and love are just a few. Usually we like the “positive” feelings and try to avoid the “negative” ones. We also associate negative feelings with crisis, unexpected change, and things we can’t necessarily control. This is especially true for those things that are meaningful to us. For example, you can’t make someone stay in a relationship with you, avoid a job relocation, or save a dying loved one. These kind of moments are the hardest. Our children have their own set of experiences to cope with. To understand them, you have to pay attention to what is impo
rtant to them. Which, by the way, is often different than what is important to you! They may have to deal with things like not making a team or group they tried out for, having their best friend move to another state, or dealing with bullying behavior – online or in-person.
Here’s the thing. As much as we may not like the negative feelings, we wouldn’t know confidence without fear, excitement without boredom, or joy without sadness. We have to experience the bad feelings to know the good ones. So maybe the better question is exactly how do we get on the other side of it? People find different ways of dealing with life, but ultimately, we all want to resolve bad feelings.
One of the ways to get on the other side is to find closure. The field of social psychology coined this term in the 90’s to mean finding answers to things that happen in order to alleviate confusion, uncertainty, and bad feelings. It means fully accepting and letting go of what once was, and creating new possibilities, relationships, rituals, and goals moving forward.
Whether it’s the loss of a loved one, or not being accepted to a team, these 5 steps can help you find closure:
- Accept responsibility for yourself. This means honoring both the things you did well and the things you could have done better. Where do you need to forgive yourself? Who have you impacted and what needs to be said to take responsibility?
- Give yourself the freedom to grieve, but don’t dwell on it. Ralph Waldo Emerson questioned, “How much of human life is lost in waiting?” There is no set timeframe to grieve, and “Just get over it” doesn’t work. However, it is important to keep moving forward. Don’t be afraid to ask for help if you need it.
- Focus on your strengths, talents, and gifts. It is a fallacy that anyone can be perfect. There will always be people ahead of and behind you. It is way more fun to embrace your imperfections and acknowledge your gifts.
- Let go. Deepak Chopra said, “In the process of letting go, you will lose many things, but you will find yourself.” Letting go of the past creates room for you to create something new.
- Trust the process. The Dalai Lama said, “Remember that sometimes not getting what you want is a wonderful stroke of good luck.” We often do not look for new opportunities when we are happy where we are. There are many paths to happiness, even if things don’t work out the way you expect.
In your interactions, closure involves acknowledging yourself and others for the positives and forgiving the negative. Focus on what makes you great and tell people what you appreciate about them. This reduces feelings of regret later on. When issues come up, address them from what you can be responsible for first. This will open the door for others to do the same and reduces the likelihood of assumptions and stories that probably aren’t true. Doing this ongoingly leaves you, and those you interact with, knowing what to expect from you and feeling complete in your relationship.
When we are faced with loss or bad feelings, we want to create a mental picture of what happened. It is easier when you understand yourself and your relationships with others. When you teach your children these skills, you set them up for coping with their own bad feelings in a positive way, being responsible for themselves, and appreciating the people in their lives. Do not be afraid to share your process so that your children can learn from you.
Happy Parenting,
Shelly