Recently, I had an opportunity to spend a few days mountain biking in Moab. While I was there, I met a young family with a 6, 8 and 10-year-old. Having older children myself, I shared a few laughs about the old days when I would drag them with me on mountain bike trips. We jokingly called it “forced family fun”, and always had pocket bacon and/or M&M’s to brighten their mood on a bike ride. My children didn’t LOVE every experience, but as young adults they remember the good times and share gratitude for the opportunities we provided.
The young couple expressed relief, sharing that they have often wondered if their children would have positive memories of these times. After hearing me talk about my children they asked, “How do you have such a good relationship?” This is a common parenting question. How do you stay in relationship with your child? There is no single answer to this question, but there are some common denominators.
The first thing to remember is that you have to spend time together if you want a great relationship. However, time alone is not a magic bullet. Most likely, you have had the experience of spending a lot of time with someone whose company you did not enjoy. Having a good relationship with someone is spending quality time together.
Spending quality time together means giving your child your undivided attention. An hour of game time can be more meaningful than three hours of working on your computer while your child watches television. So, the question is, “How do you like to spend quality time with your child?”
Here are five things to consider:
- Pay Attention: Do things that your child enjoys. Maybe your child likes to hike, watch sports or play board games. Maybe you build things, solve puzzles, or read together. It doesn’t really matter what it is, it only matters that you find time to connect.
- Chill Out: Use your time together to have fun. Life can be intense and your child needs space to laugh, be goofy, and open up to you. Young people usually share more as they settle into their environment.
- Show Interest: Ask them about their life, but don’t be weird. Young people are the best at recognizing if you are inauthentic or trying too hard. Just be yourself and be real with them.
- Share Yourself: Asking too many questions like, “How was school” or “How did your test go?” can result in one-word answers or block conversation. Instead, share something about your own day. Sharing an exciting moment, or something funny that happened to you, may open the door for your child to share.
- Build Routines: Find a consistent time to hang out. Things like gabbing a quick breakfast one day before school or declaring that Sunday afternoon is movie time can become a life-line for your teen. They will begin to depend on that as a time to share with you.
Spending time with people you love feeds your soul and is a primary source for the basic human needs like love, connection, and belongingness. Not every moment is going to be quality time, nor does it need to be. It is perfectly normal for you and your child to need space to decompress, regroup, and recharge. Allowing for that space and taking advantage of the quality moments builds memories and creates opportunities to be there for each other in good and bad times.
Happy Parenting,
Shelly
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